I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
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he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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