She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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