they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
