...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
