I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
