You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
