if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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