I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I want a musical about memes.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
