im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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