i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
