oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
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I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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