No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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