My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
