Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
