i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
