in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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