I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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