At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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