i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
