WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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