Having a random hookup so left but love u
my phone needs a breathalizer
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
