i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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