I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I pour the whiskey from now on
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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