I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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