I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
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All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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