Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
