Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I think I just sharted jello shots
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
