I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
