So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
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I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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