Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
