The maid of honor just puked.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
