but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
