When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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