Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
