Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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