That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
