I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
