gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
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No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You've changed since you got that strap on
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
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