Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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