Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
All the doctor said was why
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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