My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
