I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
