Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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