There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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