It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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