I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
