She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
