I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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