Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
