I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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