you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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