I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
