i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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