Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
