You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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