Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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