So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
