my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Be still, my beating vagina.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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