you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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