the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
